Christian + Dating & Courtship PART 1: I mean….. he/she goes to CHURCH so…. (Healthy dating and being “picky” for the right one as a Christian single)
- Sheridan Tennant-Straube
- Mar 28
- 4 min read
Let’s talk about Christian dating! I don’t professionally specialize in couples or premarital counseling, but I’ve certainly worked with enough individuals with relationship issues that I feel like I have gained some helpful insights in this arena. Ladies and gents, lovers of Jesus and looking for love: don’t be impressed with church attendance and Jesus -isms. I’d go so far as saying, for my readers that aren't Christians necessarily but pursuing a healthy solid relationship- don’t be impressed with niceness and good finances. I think we have so cheapened the dating /courtship process and compromised so much over the years because we have a society full of people that are afraid of being alone. We’re impressed by next to nothing and we ignore red flags, tolerate nonsense and rationalize away poor behavior because “it’s better than nothing.”
Wow.
When did we stop mattering to ourselves, folks ? Why aren’t we valuable and awesome ALL BY OURSELVES such that we don’t swoon over the first person to say a couple nice things and buy a couple nice dinners? Obviously as a therapist I know the many many answers to that and maybe you’ll identify with some:
Unresolved issues /trauma
Poor childhood examples
Low/ underdeveloped self esteem
Social /family/cultural pressure
Fear of being alone/fear of missing out
So, as always I hear you, “thanks Sheri for pointing out this glaring issue - now what?” So glad you asked!
Let’s fix this! One- you already know- get in that therapy chair! What’s going on in your heart and mind? What are those unhealthy and untrue narratives you’re building your life around that need addressing and reworking ? What childhood / adolescent experiences have colored your view of relationships? Who told you that you couldn’t have the best life partner and you deserved to take whatever you could get?
Next- you have to remember that no one should date you if YOU wouldn’t date you. Period. When’s the last time you took you to dinner? A movie ? A little weekend getaway. (You mean… Alone, Sheri !!?) YES! Yes, I do mean alone! And why not? If you can’t confidently enjoy your own company then why should you expect someone else to? Get to know and love what’s great about you and trust me- that’s what will attract the right person!
To my Christian singles, scoping out the potentials- church attendance is not enough. You can be God “appreciating” or even God respecting and not be God fearing. You can acknowledge that He IS Lord without ever making Him YOUR Lord. Watch for the fruit of there being an ACTUAL relationship with God. That means- date- for a while! Do they pray only when you do? Are they reading their Bibles only on Sunday? How’s their language ? Music choices? How are the sexual boundaries? (I mean… as long as we don’t have SEX it’s ok!…(Wrong! Run!) ) If you settle in one area, other compromises aren’t far behind.
So how about this fun question (which I’ve asked countless single clients - it’s been a fun series of sessions every time!) Do you know who you want? I mean - reaaalllly know? I don’t want to hear “oh yes! Just tall, handsome, good job, goes to church !” Or “you know, long hair, cute face, good cook, funny, a church girl.” Womp. Doesn’t cut it. I wrote my “list” I think in my late 20s right around when I had attended friend wedding number 7- alone- and I was so over it. I told God I was going to literally dream up my ideal man, hand it to Him, and close the door on it because I was exhausted wondering about it. It was a loooooooong list. I had physical traits, emotional traits, spiritual traits, specific skills I admired, detail upon detail. And I put it in a box and didn’t touch it again. In that interim God challenged me to consider that list and note how many of those qualities that I demanded, I had myself (ouch!) and He essentially said- “get to work, Sheri.” I had my own finances to clean up, some character work to do, and development of my professional goals. In the meantime, God was grooming my husband in plain sight and I didn’t even see him (my husband and I met at work - he was security, I was a therapist in a hospital unit for kids). I looked right at him and didn’t see him until years later - thank God- and guess what? I got everything on my list plus bonus material!
Let God do your matchmaking and honor Him by not settling for less than His best in His time. Who’s from Him will only draw you closer to Him in your relationship and your lives will make sense together (by this time you should know my husband is my marketing and media manager and pretty much handled every business detail of this company. Yep - I didn’t ask for that, God just went ahead and threw that in for free!)
Let me tell you - God's best is SO worth the wait. Chuck the fear, love yourself, love Jesus, make your list and don’t compromise. Let God choose and stop settling for just a stunt double when you can have the REAL thing. Oh- and that fancy restaurant you desperately want to be taken to? Dress up, make a reservation and take yourself out! You’ll thank me.